nine lives

Liquid Courage: I have not yet buckled to the temptation of getting a cool, hip & practical water bottle to use everyday at work. Staying hydrated should be as fashionable as possible; fashionable being a concept I have struggled with since I worked with teenagers for a year and appropriated the wardrobe of a janitor with a Zellers gift card. So, at work I sip my water all day from a small glass I scooped out of the communal kitchen. This leads to multiple fill ups every day, because it’s small, for health reasons, and most importantly because on every paycheque $0.50 is taken off for the 'water fund.' Sometimes I drink the water and let it dribble out of my mouth down my chest just because I'm Paying For Every Drop and I feel naughty. I should drive my car up into the office and wash it twice a day. Despite my best efforts, every night at 5 PM I always leave a slurp in the bottom of the glass. If I were to drink it right before I leave work, inevitably I will have to crash through the front door, hobble sprinting to the bathroom to relieve my newborn baby bladder of its tablespoon of liquid. So that water sits over night. I come in every morning and total 'Fear Factor’ style, grit my teeth, un-grit them, and quickly swallow that last warm fetid gulp. I can't help but think that at least once, the janitors have hocked a salival specimen into the glass. I totally would. So, I start the day with great courage and bravado. I could slay dragons and ask for raises every day. As long as it was before 9:30 AM.

A dude's dude: I have spotted a fine specimen of older dude on Kingsway twice now. I have a huge crush on bygone eras style, particularly the 40's and 50's. Since I will never strap into a pencil skirt or properly fill a sweater set, I turn to the male. This older gentleman was representing so hard a three piece suit, tie, fedora, newspaper folded and tucked under his arm, and a half smoked cigarette pursed between his lips. I slowed and sighed. I'm gonna have a hard time not licking the screen during our 'Mad Men' marathon. 

Nuv Love: Things I do that make him mutter under his breath something that sounds like "bivorce."

  • Interrupt him when he's talking. I KNOW this makes him want to push me off the deck, but I can't help it sometimes. The words come flying out of my mouth, and then I can't shove them back in without gagging.

  • Ask him to help me do something when he's reading freshly baked Wednesday comics.

  • Let my hiccups carry on for longer than seven seconds. Sometimes it feels gooood to let your diaphragm do the roger rabbit.

  • Accidentally-because-it's-not-my-fault careen up onto the curb while I'm at the wheel, but I'm pretty sure that I can't help it. Stupid car.

  • Press the wrong button on a remote control, so he has to deeply sigh whilst snatching it our of my hands and fixing my error.

  • Yeesh. If he ever learns to feed himself, I'm in trouble.