best actress


Saturday: Evidently walking on the ferry is the new black. My plan was to park my car, walk on the ferry & meet the fam on the boat. The 9 AM boat. A boat I have never been on because I believe sleeping is important. I parked my car with seconds to spare, ran to the terminal in flip flops & my human fat suit I've been rocking for about a year, and stopped short at the terminal when I saw about 200 people waiting in an ominous line up. My lungs are burning, I'm tired already, I'm sad already & now I have to march up to a ferry employee and suss out what the deal is here. With 11 minutes before the boat sails. Let's just say I went through four BC Ferry employees before someone had the heart to tell the weeping girl blubbering about her Gramma's ashes that she wasn't getting on that boat. Period. Everybody in that line had a great seat to my shit show & I shudder now thinking what that performance looked like. I couldn't even control myself. If there was a Best Actress Oscar handed out for "Sincerest plea for help in the face of crusty Union employees", it would be mine. Bottom line is the boat has to have a life vest for everybody on it, and unless I promised to die if the boat sank, no dice. I trudged to the end of the long line for the next boat, slowly dialing brother's cell phone to tell them the great news. I, of course, dissolved into a human snot rag again telling my Mom I wasn't getting on the boat so I pretty much am the worlds worst granddaughter & I should probably just go lay down & starve in my trunk. After some calming down, I pulled myself together & met an amazing human being in the lineup named Ruth, who happened to hear my side of the embarrassing phone call and decided she wanted to drop me off at the restaurant where my family was meeting in Vic. She wasn't even religious! No catches! So really, everything worked out just fine. I rode the ferry with the company of Jay Reatard in my ears & a good US Weekly, then got a free ride downtown Victoria from one of the kindest ladies I've ever met. She even confirmed that I can freeze cheese. It put me in a grateful & hopeful mindset to prepare for the sadness that waited out on the water. All of us clambered aboard my Uncle's boat; it was a lovely quick trip with the family I rarely see, my Mom spoke so touchingly of her parents who now are intertwined at the bottom of the ocean, and we all said our goodbyes. I came home exhausted, salt clinging to my face, watched the fireworks from our deck, and fell into a delicious long deep sleep.

Reasons 4,0002 & 4,0003 I love my brother: Instead of gum, he carries a trial size tube of toothpaste, shoots a squirt of it into his mouth, bites off the end, swooshes it around his mouth, then spits it out. He then stepped in his spit, didn't care, but then I pointed out the foreign loogie he also stepped in and he insta-gagged. 
Eating dinner on the ferry he noticed some dirt stuck to his knuckles. He took a gulp of his 'Full Throttle' energy drink, put his hand to his mouth and let the liquid dribble down, then wiped it all with a napkin. We were within 10 feet of a bathroom. The kid just doesn't care.

Another perfect match: My favorite M.I.A song, 'Paper Planes' paired up with the trailer for 'The Pineapple Express.' It almost makes up for Seth Rogen's Fozzie bear voice that makes me crazed.