red and green and present-y all over

T’was the night before the night before Christmas and I’m hopped up on Coca-Cola and white Lindt balls. The presents are wrapped, all 809 of them. Nuv’s are wrapped but still hidden because if he lays eyes on them, I will have a grown man hanging off my neck pleading to open his presents noOOOooow. As another Christmas gets ready to explode in a spark of wadded up wrapping paper, too much turkey and those flimsy paper hats in the Christmas crackers, I was thinking about my very favourite memories of this time of year growing up. C’mon, let’s revisit them!

I was such a good, trustworthy kid that loved surprises so much, my Mom could, and did, pile our presents on the floor of her room and just throw a sheet over top. Never. Once. Looked.

My Dad had one of the old cameras that didn’t record sound and came with a giant hand held high beam of a light. That meant most Christmas mornings were spent stumbling into the living room being momentarily blinded and then waving hard at the camera.

In our house, teeth had to be brushed before presents were opened. Period.

Mandarin oranges always go in the toe of the stocking. And presents in the stocking should be wrapped, MOM.

The greatest Christmas ever, I got THREE Cabbage Patch Kids. That was unheard of, the adult equivalent of getting three cars. I was high on the smell of their faces for about a week. (For those keeping count, at the end of my childhood, I owned 13 Cabbies in total, not counting the weird dog/boy one and the one I had to share with Koleman - LAME.)

I believed in Santa Claus for longer than most kids. Those were truly the most magical years ever. One year I woke up having to go pee, but I heard something. I lay there frozen in half awe, half terror. Mom had told me if you saw HIM, he would disappear. There was NO CHANCE I was going to fuck around with the dude that brings the presents, so I lay there holding in the pee until daybreak. I believe that is what’s responsible for my faulty baldder now. Thanks Santa.

Merry Christmas everybody! Thanks so much for coming and seeing what on Earth I'm doing here - having you all do that is an amazing gift. As a present to you, here is a picture of me doing what I did best at 10 years old – being a blind mega asexual dork. xoxo