My eyes hurt. So, I'm wearing my glasses. Glasses that may look like regular vision assistance, but really, they have a secret. They weigh 18 metric tonnes thus carving baby craters on either side of my nose, and squeeze and clamp down on tender spots behind my ears that activate my cranky buttons. Every day I have whipped them off my face and flung them down to take a few deep breaths and not light them, and my eyes, on fire. And don't even worry about me as I continuously twitch and jump because I am constantly seeing imaginary things peripherally. BECAUSE I CAN ONLY SEE THROUGH TWO SMALL PORTALS OF MANIPULATED GLASS. 

A few years ago I had a similar experience where one day my contacts didn't give me the sharpest picture of the world and how can I make fun of everything if I can't see it? Right? 

So, cue a fun montage of: me seeing 4 different eye doctors showing me no change in prescription, shots of me driving at night in the snow with glasses on, squinting and crying, shots of me in a darkened room googling 'brain tumours behind the eyes', an animated illustration of my eyes throbbing and making out with sandpaper and lye, with a sad British song full of violins and pianos playing over top. 

Then, music fade, cue me sitting in with a student doctor as he touches my under eyes and wonders aloud if I have some sinus problem. Cue me jumping up, dipping him in a grand ballroom style and planting a giant smooch on his precious brain. Fast cuts of me filling a Flonase prescription, snorting it up joyfully each nostril, "I can see Clearly Now" blasting while the camera is panning wildly all around me as I look at everything and gobble it all in because it's clear, visible and YES OH YES, I. CAN. SEE!

Weeks and weeks of hell because my sinuses were sad. Fucking body.