do's and don'ts vol. 3

While the snow falls outside, here's some more tips and treats from the hottest apartment in the West End.

Do own a Costco. IMAGINE. As a kid, did anybody else fantasize about being locked into a department store or library (shut up, I liked books) or grocery store (shut up, I was a fat kid)? Owning a Costco would be amazing. Almost as good as backing a dump truck into the back side of a Costco and frantically stealing years worth of diapers, wipes, onesies, diaper genie refills and plastic boxes of chewy berry candies before the cops came. Seriously, the detritus the kid needs day in and day out is retarded. And it runs out, like, beyond quickly. Also, steal some new shirts that have extra room in the biceps. Hoisting a 12-pound bub around in a 35 lb car seat along with the giant anaconda diaper wreaths that spit out of the diaper genie will make you ripped in no time. (PS: Human poop and pee should not be that hefty.)

For the last month of pregnancy Do train with snaps. You know the little silver fasteners that only exist on baby clothing? The ones that are designed to make you feel like your fingers are buttered and thick? Yeah, those ones. In the first few weeks you cannot get them dressed after a diaper change quick enough – and they will let you know this. Not with a gentle whisper, but a murderous howl that sounds like you are hacksawing them into multiple pieces, combined with two kicking flailing legs… If you can keep your cool while trying to snap shut the godforsaken last snap down by their crotch, you will go to Heaven.

Do know there is never two bad days in a row. Somehow the Universe just is that fair and good.

Don't be ashamed to have still not mailed out the thank you cards for the October shower. (Hand writing them made my hands all "oh this is what we were good for before your laptop came along.")

Do get the app Instagram for the iPhone. Its simple yet beautiful filters have made the pictures I've taken of bubs way better than they have any right to be, based on my skill and thumbs.

Do go for walks – it’s good for you, gets the bubs out of the canned apartment air AND is a good patience exercise in not mowing people down that think they win over a stroller. Guess what old man? I pushed her out of my vagina so I WIN. You take the grass for those three steps and shut the f*ck up.