the letter I didn't want to write

Dear Stella,

I’d like to tell you about a very important person in my life... My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Ha ha. Just kidding. (Your Pops and I aren’t religious, but we do love a good hearty “JesusF-CKINGChrist” when a toe is smashed into furniture or your diaper is filled with unholy brown paste.) I am referring to your Auntie Sarah, or as she’s known to me, Jandals.

Five years ago, when you were but a twinkle in your Dad’s penis, we first met Sarah. Your Uncle Nick had rescued her from the clutches of that terribly amazing place called New Zealand and brought her to Vancouver where she immediately snake charmed all of us with her accent, great rack and impossibly stylish self. 

Your Mama, even after just a few social hangouts, immediately loved her. When Pops asked Mama to marry him, and one of her bridesmaids had what we’ll call a “crisis of hair,” Sarah stepped in and was an absolutely essential part to the wedding. Aside from all her fun ideas, endless support and help, she was also very good eye candy. Look at this. LOOK. Unreal. So gorgeous.

Now for a very brief relationship synopsis so you won’t be confused. Auntie Sarah dated Uncle Nick until that wasn’t right anymore. Uncle Nick found a beautiful new girl named Alex who made him do yoga but there was nary a patchouli plant to be found, so we like them together.

Auntie Sarah meanwhile dated a mustachioed bachelor. Let’s just say my sweet Stella, NEVER F-CKING DATE A MUSTACHIOED BACHELOR. Or if your friend ever does, be honest with her. It’s hard to to do. Girls like to lie to each other instead of being honest sometimes because we don’t want to hurt each other. But good true friends will say the hard things that need to be heard. Your Auntie Laura had to tell me I was being a silly retard at one shameful time in my life and that led me to your Pops. Proof of goodness.

Cue a mysterious gentleman from back East on a Harley Davidson who vroomed into Vancouver and stole Auntie’s damaged but open heart. Look at this cat.

Now, here’s where the story gets a little sucky Stella. The amazing Jesse who rescued Auntie had to borrow her for a spell while he gets all lawyer smart down in Miami. So sometimes people that love you and who you love have to leave. Sometimes we have to follow the dreams of the people we love to strange and exotic places because before babies come along and ruin everything, life is made up of bursts of adventure, risks, leaps of faith and big scary riddles. If you stay safe and still, you are not really living. So, the weekend we moved into the new apartment where you got your own room and discovered sleeping through the night, we had to say goodbye to Auntie Sarah. Talk about the sweet punched in the face by bittersweet.

Stella, how can I even begin to tell you the things I’ll miss about your Auntie? I could bullet point all the ways she made my life better:

  • Bought me clothes and shoes
  • Inspired me to give a shit about myself
  • Always cleaned up after parties
  • Always brought beer over to share with Pops
  • Always had good boobs
  • Always gossiped with me and made me laugh about how quickly we will be beamed down to Hell for the shit we have talked
  • Always appreciated quality food

Or I could just tell you she was so curious and generous and helpful when you were in my belly. She made me watch movies about conception that blew my mind; she bought you your first stylish pajamas and me my first Mama necklace. She was so enthralled with the whole process of you, maybe even more than I was.

Some days when I was braced over the toilet, staring at someone else’s pubic hairs and crusted shit splashes, praying for mercy from the nausea, I didn’t really give a shit what stage of miraculous growth you were at. But Auntie did. And she inspired me to try the natural approach to your life – nipple balm, cloth diapers, and organic skin care. I can’t stay I stuck with all of it, but the point is I wouldn’t have thought of it or even considered it if it weren’t for Auntie’s encouragement, ideas and love.

You bear my name and resemblance but you carry the love in you of so many people who waited and watched you protrude out of me for ten months. Auntie Sarah and Uncle Nick, along with your grandparents and Uncle Koleman, sat in uncomfortable chairs all night in that hospital lounge, waiting for you to finally crawl out. I know you don’t and won’t remember that, but I do. And the arms that held you first were so adoring and awesome.

I hope for a lot of things for your life, my girl. But mostly Stella, I hope when you’re older and one of your very best friends who you can’t imagine not seeing every week has to move away because life and love are beckoning, I hope you can keep your shit together. And remember it’s not forever. And that just because it hurts like a flaming marshmallow in your heart, that it’s a very good thing. Because even if it sucks balls, the very best girlfriend will suck it up and realize that being happy for your dear friend is the coolest shit ever. And God likes selflessness.

Love,
Mama