I am blogging from the toilet (seat closed thankyouverymuch) to BEG YOU to make all the sugar go away.
This Easter weekend has damaged me. I held strong. For Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday I had a staring contest with that chocolate and I won.
God, I don't even know. I bent. I weakened. I ate chocolate that wasn't even good. And that was just the start of it.
It's now Wednesday and what did I eat for dinner? Not a gorgeous slab of cauliflower steak. Not a leafy salad bursting with crunch and green zest. Not even a wedge of tofu cut into baby pillows then fried in sesame oil. Nope, I sat in the parking lot of WalMart and ate two gluten free chocolate snack cakes.
And they were gross. And I'm still not sated.
I read something a few weeks ago that said a sugar craving was really your body yelling out for (fill in the blank.) I need to find that article. I need to feel better. I need my self-control, so carefully curated over the last 7 months, back.
I'll admit it, I'm not in a good place.
I thought I had severed the emotional ties with food. Silenced the beast deep in me that just wants to eat. Eat it all. This weekend has proven me wrong. I'm struggling with not listening to the choir of voices in my head that are alternately screaming MORE MORE MORE, FAILURE, and THIS IS HOW WE GET FAT, AGAIN.
Tomorrow. A deep breath will cleanse and then quiet those voices. I need to buck the f-ck up and remember how far I have gone and how much further I can go. I can NOT let drugstore chocolate make me feel this defeated.
Tomorrow. I run on my lunch break even though I have too many projects to tackle. I need this. I need to feel alive and strong again and just clear out the fresh cobwebs slowing down my brain.
Tomorrow. I will drink smoothies. I will fork out bites of lemon tuna. I will chug a dam's worth of water.
Tomorrow. I remember the best part of Easter weekend, twirling and dancing with this girl to the theme song of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and how good it was to be winded with a sticky back.
Tomorrow. Be kind. I will be kind too.