What else to expect when you’re expecting (the animal control)

So, August. The month dawned with mixed emotions. Nuv went on a four day road trip which left me minute by minute either: A) devastated and unable to listen to any music that had a hint of a melancholy note, otherwise I would end up sobbing in the handicapped bathroom at work, envisioning the funeral arrangements I had to plan because he was surely laying in a ditch somewhere, the flaming wreckage of the car and his friends spread out in a Rorschach pattern of blood and fuel all over the Idaho tarmac.
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what else to expect when you’re expecting (the gross and the paranoia)

(From my phone’s notepad, and quoted in a previous post, but it makes me laugh, so here it is again):

Feb 26
I would pay $100 for diarrhea.

I can’t let that sentence go away, even though I know Nuv is super disgusted with me and by me, the more I loiter around it. Seriously, I’ll let you use your imaginations as to why I would make this revolting deal with the devil. You just have to wait and see how your bowels get so possessive about your shit. And I had no idea this would be the case. So, this is, what, Lesson 374? Eat as many prunes and blueberries and beans as you can handle, because even then, it won’t be enough. And take good reading material into the bathroom with you, and be prepared to be patient, because the alternative is hemmorhoids, the most terrifying 11 letter word on the planet. I would rather serve the rest of this pregnancy in a maximum security prison on Mars then have them.

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