uhntz uhntz uhntz

It says a lot about me that for every post where I basically call my kid a sh-t monkey, the words gush out like a flume of water expressed from a cannon, fed from a thunderous waterfall that never dries up. But when I attempt to form kind motherly sentiments, I freeze up. 
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memories

I forget more than I remember now. My buddy Jackie had to remind me of the time my back right tire was stolen clean off my car. While sitting parked outside my rental suite, in a “safe” residential area. (I’d pay some good cash to see my face that morning as I put that car in drive and was met with a grinding thump so foreign I literally did 1,000 internal double takes.) How did I forget that? And then three days ago I was making a grocery list and blanked on the name for laundry detergent. My frustrated replacement? Clothing fluid. Oh brain, you holey SOB.
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what else to expect when you're expecting (the band goes marching on)

On May 16, we had the detailed ultrasound. This would be the second and last time we would get to spy on the kid before it came out, and I was of course, wildly overly nervous. The technician, to her credit, did warn me that she had a lengthy checklist of things to look for, so she would remain quiet and poker-faced for quite some time. Still, after she spent about ten minutes, deeply running and pressing that mouse all over my stomach, to the point where I felt nauseous and then was SURE I would have bruises afterwards, I had to bite my tongue from screaming out, “Is it OKAY? Does it have whiskers or seven brains? WHY AREN’T YOU TALKING TO US?”
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lessons learned (in brief)

At the halfway mark of this pregnancy, here are just a few tips for any girl thinking of getting a kid up in ya:

• Don't watch Up, unless you're ok with swollen eyes for 24 hours.
• Don't hold any amount of pee in for any amount of time, because if you happen to see a friend get accidentally whipped in the face in a restaurant by another sheepish friend, with a whip purchased by another friend in the parking lot of the Taj Mahal, you will laugh so hard a sizeable squirt of pee will come right out of you.
• Popsicles are your friends. Creamsicles are your soulmates.
• You will have to buy a real bra with an underwire for the first time in your life and at first it will feel like 2 iron rods clamped to your ribs and your boobs will hate you, but check your reflection. BOOBS!
• Head on down to Target right away for cheap, cute and functional maternity clothing. At 6$ for a pair of black tights, you can buy 12 pairs AND still have money leftover to buy the most adorable single serving Ben & Jerry's cups they sell in the food aisle. Oh Target, why aren't you in Canada??!! I'll gladly trade you an Old Navy and all of the Canadian Tire locations for just one..