What else to expect when you're expecting (the end, maybe)

Tomorrow is my due date. I know it’s an approximation, a date chosen off that weird paper wheel of time and numbers the Doctor spins and squints at, but I envision it like so: My body is a big version of that game Mouse Trap, or like the beginning of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, wherein a series of triggers and hatches and switches will soon start their progress, culminating in a giant tennis shoe attached to a lever walloping the kid's butt, sending it down down down through the least romantic canal and out into the impatient arms of me and Nuv and every one of our friends and family calling me to gently enquire HAS THE KID COME YET? WE ARE TIRED OF WAITING.
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What else to expect when you’re expecting (the animal control)

So, August. The month dawned with mixed emotions. Nuv went on a four day road trip which left me minute by minute either: A) devastated and unable to listen to any music that had a hint of a melancholy note, otherwise I would end up sobbing in the handicapped bathroom at work, envisioning the funeral arrangements I had to plan because he was surely laying in a ditch somewhere, the flaming wreckage of the car and his friends spread out in a Rorschach pattern of blood and fuel all over the Idaho tarmac.
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what else to expect when you're expecting (the band goes marching on)

On May 16, we had the detailed ultrasound. This would be the second and last time we would get to spy on the kid before it came out, and I was of course, wildly overly nervous. The technician, to her credit, did warn me that she had a lengthy checklist of things to look for, so she would remain quiet and poker-faced for quite some time. Still, after she spent about ten minutes, deeply running and pressing that mouse all over my stomach, to the point where I felt nauseous and then was SURE I would have bruises afterwards, I had to bite my tongue from screaming out, “Is it OKAY? Does it have whiskers or seven brains? WHY AREN’T YOU TALKING TO US?”
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What else to expect when you’re expecting (let’s get practical)

May – I made it to you! I had my ‘What to expect when you’re expecting’ iPhone app that I read every day, and gleaned some practical advice from (posture tips, snack ideas, not to freak out when your toothbrush is covered in blood), but also some unintentionally hilarious wisdom (what to do when you're not gaining enough weight, telling the Dad to “go easy on those giganto breasts”..) Every week, along with a countdown till birth, as a point of reference, the kid was a different fruit or veg in size. Whatever it was, on any given week, was suddenly my Mama’s favourite produce ever.
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what else to expect when you’re expecting (the gross and the paranoia)

(From my phone’s notepad, and quoted in a previous post, but it makes me laugh, so here it is again):

Feb 26
I would pay $100 for diarrhea.

I can’t let that sentence go away, even though I know Nuv is super disgusted with me and by me, the more I loiter around it. Seriously, I’ll let you use your imaginations as to why I would make this revolting deal with the devil. You just have to wait and see how your bowels get so possessive about your shit. And I had no idea this would be the case. So, this is, what, Lesson 374? Eat as many prunes and blueberries and beans as you can handle, because even then, it won’t be enough. And take good reading material into the bathroom with you, and be prepared to be patient, because the alternative is hemmorhoids, the most terrifying 11 letter word on the planet. I would rather serve the rest of this pregnancy in a maximum security prison on Mars then have them.

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what else to expect when you're expecting (the sickness)

There's a Punjabi saying Nuv coined when he was little that goes a little something like this (spelling is my best guess aka nowhere near what it actually is..):
"Akihogya?" (What happened here?)
"Oltiagya." (The puke came.)
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what else to expect when you're expecting vol. 1 (the intro)

As of this coming Saturday, I will be six months pregnant. For the most part, I haven't really written anythingabout the most bonkers six months of my life. At the beginning I was too wiped, too creatively chloroformed to even think about sitting down and writing a website entry. Everything I loved prior to January 14, 2010, the date the test showed positive, ceased to be interesting. I haven't even LOOKED at an US Weekly since then. Now that, that they don't tell you about.
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