White is right: Recently asked what one food item I would take to a desert island, my clear definitive answer, other than Nuv's penis, was white rice. Here are some samples of what I have dressed basmati up with in an ungodly fashion: ketchup, butter, artichoke dip, cheese, corn & salsa, fried onions, tuna. I realize it boasts little to no nutritional value and it will one day clog up my system like a human trash compactor; like I'll be bugging Nuv while he's fixing his iPhone applications for the 65th time that day, and out of my mouth will start tumbling undigested white rice. Oh my God, it will totally look like maggots have taken over my body, manipulating my limbs along with some alien brain matter, and Nuv will nod, all,"Ok, that totally explains how a 30 year old could be so poor at math."

My Twenty Dollar Zellers Jeans: Can I just say I am so impressed with this article of clothing? I am always reluctant to wash jeans because the jumping around, crouching down, jumping jack ritual of getting them back into 'not suffocating your lower intestines up into your boobs' is just not how I want to spend any of my time. I hate it. Denim being the wonder fabric that it is, can absorb and disguise so many stains for so very long, that I held off washing these for a humiliatingly long amount of time. Like if I told Nuv, he'd make me boil my lower body in lye before he'd touch me again. I'm that averse to re-convincing pants that "Heyyyyy! It's ME! Remember? You LOVE how crazy swoopy-jutty-shelvey my ass is! Right? RIGHT!!!" But oh man, these jeans handled a wash, a hang dry, even an emergency 10 minute dryer trip so I wouldn't be pantsless at Mark & Aleisha's place, and THEY ARE TOTALLY FINE! They know me, love me, don't have that granular dry-rub texture, and pretty much jumped a spot up over my new purple shoes on my list of clothing that I am putting in my will.

I will pay somebody a million dollars if they can get 'Boomin' Granny' out of my head: This Beastie Boys song has completely taken over my left frontal lobe, right beside the part of my brain that doesn't understand how to not hydroplane and completely replacing the part of my brain that has the patience to stand and hold down the toilet flusher a beat longer so I don't accidentally create pee stew daily.