rubbing one out

I am freshly home from a totally beautiful evening. I ate a super garlicky real deal meal with my brother and sister in law and their stupidly cute kids and you have not lived until a 2 1/2 year old serenades you with 'Down by the Bay' and an almost 9 month old drools down your open shirt hole and smooshes her chubbawubba fingers up against one eyeglass frame, rendering you half blind, but also delirious due to the cute fumes.
AND THEN, oh AND THEN, I went to get an hour long massage. A gift from friends that love me. No big deal.

I still have the creases on my face and the sweet smell from the massage oil clouding all around me. I also have mascara clumps collecting down my cheeks and half my hair going west from what seemed like 7 hands of a very talented lovely massage therapist touching all of this. Honestly, I have never met a massage therapist that wasn't just the nicest person ever. I'm convinced they all have beautiful gardens, yellow kitchens where they make salads and drive a Volkswagen cabriolet and slow down for a squirrel crossing.

As I disrobed with the speed of a comic book character, the following thoughts ran through my head:

1) Enjoy this. EN-JOY-THIS. Do not think about her watching that mole on your back and imagining it opening up like a giant eyeball and winking at her. She won't think that. She's too nice.

2) If I somehow get my period now on this vista of fresh white sheets, white blankets and white pillows, I will get a gun license, wait the allotted time, buy a gun, hunt down Mother Nature and shoot her square in the vagina. Seriously, how would you EVER RECOVER FROM THAT? I can't even imagine.

A few minutes in I wonder if she'll rub my bummmmmm, oh yes, there it is, bum rubbing and holy dinah, there are things in your bum to rub that feel like you've been carrying the weight of the world right in your ass. Tingly delicious bum rub - thank you.

An hour later and I made it through even the scary parts where I couldn't breathe because the pushing and deep circling was too sharp and needly just for a second as the garbage in my veins got ousted. But if it takes a little discomfort to enhance the LSD-style good feelings afterwards, it was more than worth it.