major lasers

Have I told you how amazing my nipples have been? I’m sure I have. This kid’s mouth should have left them tattered, torn and in the shape of a Twizzler, but somehow, someway, with some persistent lanolin applications and some luck I didn’t know I had, they are keeping up with her college freshman appetite.

Ever since I can remember my Mama has advocated breastfeeding. And by "advocate" I mean threaten me with bodily harm if I didn't at least try it. (Lest you think I'm exaggerating, last week when I less than delicately removed bubs' toque, she walloped me upside the head. Hard. Like Archie Bunker.)

So, really the only expectation I had on myself once the bubs popped out was to breastfeed as early as possible for as long as possible. The only obstacles? I’d heard about bleeding cracked nipples and mastitis, and you know when someone tells you about an ailment or trouble, and you can feel in your bones, Yes, I will get that. I am sure of it. I am mostly a good person in life, and my boobs have never caused harm to another, but I will get f*cked over doing the most important thing I wanted to do for this girl.

As of today, almost six weeks in, they are being sturdy little soldiers. And they’re attached to boobs that are real boobs now. I had some occasion to move quickly the other day and I had two jiggling boobs moving around attached to me. How amazing was that feeling?

In profile, they are more substantial than my gut. How amazing is THAT? After the crushing disappointment of puberty when my boobs didn't get the memo that they were supposed to blossom and attract boys, women in my life always told me, just wait until you have a kid. They will come. Like a sad man in an Iowa cornfield carefully creating a baseball diamond, I, too waited patiently over ten months and have now been rewarded with two items I feel extremely confident calling fun bags.

Fun Bonus Fact: breast milk is way stickier than I would have thought. Why isn’t NASA using this stuff for science? Sh*tty Bonus Fun Fact: Breast pads are like giant stupid useless starfish that flop everywhere and bounce out of your bra when you need them most. Why aren’t they better and cooler? For their one job in life, their sole reason for existing, they are extremely mediocre.