What else to expect when you’re expecting (the countdown)

As of today, the kid is set to debut in 16 days. If you need me I’ll be crouched down behind the couch silently screaming while simultaneously passed out. And at work for another 12 days. You say crazy, I say…….yeah, pretty much crazed.

My brother and Mom bought me the new iPhone so my Mom and the kid can Face Time each other. This marks the first time I have ever had a new device before Nuv. Unnecessary Guilt, thy name is mine.

The long Liz Lange maternity tank top I bought months ago still has the courage and fortitude to stretch over my stomach and ass, and will be mentioned on my tombstone as the best thing I’ve ever owned.

When I was diagnosed with celiac disease 16 years ago, bacon was one of the forbidden foods. So, years passed and I still cooked it for people, and got spatter burnt enough times to curse the very existence of pigs, but always sadly mourned the fact I would/could not let the crispy, greasy, salty slim slices of fried heaven pass my lips. Until yesterday. With a hearty “Fuck this,” I sat down with a pack of bacon, googled the ingredients and found out I CAN TOTALLY EAT BACON. Similar to the Coca-Cola revelation of 2009, shit was on. I fried up half the package, gave Nuv a few strips on his burger and ate the rest, one by one, seriously getting light-headed from the flavour. (In retrospect maybe this side effect wasn’t so awesome, but whatever. I didn’t fall down stomach first and drive the kid up and into my esophagus.)

Sleeping is now a fun game of "Can I pass out before the kid starts pedaling the new bike it bought off of Craigslist and inserted up into my uterus while I was sleeping?" Most nights, the answer is Nope. No, I cannot. Real live baby feet are restless mere centimetres under my skin. These are not delicate feet with tiny insteps and elegant toes. No, these feet were meant for kicking medicine balls across gymnasiums, jumpstarting a fleet of motorcycles, inverting another man’s calves. They create strong wince-worthy motions that make me crazy-woman lecture my stomach about “being nicer to YOUR MAMA.” Insolent before birth? Oh right. Duh. This is Nuv’s child.