every damn time

Please tell me these sound familiar to you...

I grate a vegetable -> I immediately shred the skin off of 2.5 knuckles and have to gingerly pick out the pieces of cauliflower dotted with my blood.

I pluck my eyebrows -> I discover a pimple from the Mesozoic Era hiding in the left one that, when gently prodded, explodes all over the mirror.

I flop into bed, eyes aching and go to turn my phone off -> I spend 67 minutes scrolling through Instagram, getting either jealous, hungry, annoyed or inspired and then have nightmares about never doing what I ever want to do ever.

I make a pan of my strawberry rice krispie squares -> I spend the next 24 hours either eating one or thinking about eating one or watching someone else eating one and wishing I hadn't shared or dreaming about eating one or eating the second to last one crouched in the bathtub.

I tell someone I have no change -> I walk away and the change is CLEARLY audible in my pocket.

I paint my nails -> I carefully let them dry for double the amount of time Sally Hansen recommends then absentmindedly crank one nail into something, mashing the polish job sideways like a tiny snowplow hit it, and then it takes every morsel of willpower to not take a whole bottle of nail polish remover and just chug it because I will NEVER get this right.

I let Stella have a cupcake after breakfast -> Once that sugar jettisons through her veins, every single thing I ask her to do for the next 35 minutes will be met with incredulous tears, face-filling scowls, next-level Meryl Streep-calibre theatrics, and a body so stiff I could use her as a sawhorse. 

My cupcakes bring all the uzi's to the yard.

My cupcakes bring all the uzi's to the yard.

I thank someone for letting me into traffic -> One block later I don't let someone in who clearly would like to be let in and they probably have a sick child at home that I am keeping them from, but I'm hungry, and there is one rice krispie square left at home.

Every damn time.