I turned 39 last week and it still doesn't feel real REAL that I am that age but here I am and here it is.
Here's 39 things I know for sure after hanging around for this long.
1. If the first bite isn't good, the next 5 won't be either. Toss it. You deserve a food orgasm every time.
2. Sit up straight. It makes your back and boobs happy.
3. Don't believe the title - it isn't actually her first time doing anal.
4. Black coffee is delicious. Save your sugar for something else.
5. Pick freely at all the pimples but know you will look like a spackled methhead the next day.
6. It's still satisfying watching people fall.
7. Complimenting someone is the same as giving them a wheelbarrow of cash. They will remember your words and your kindness for a long time.
8. Sugar does NOT make sense in an adult body but neither does kale. Expensive chocolate and caramels and ice cream are expensive because they are made with the best ingredients so they're practically organic and good for you. Don't waste any calories on gas station chocolate.
9. Smoothie bowls are just a smoothie poured into a bowl with a bunch of decorative shit on top and then you have to eat it all with a spoon and you've dirtied a shit ton of dishes unnecessarily.
10. If you don't like blue cheese, melt it on top of a good steak. You will change your mind.
11. When you don't drive you don't hate everyone all the time.
12. It's okay when you try to live in the moment and you feel like the only way you can do it is to say in your head "I'm living in the moment right now." That still counts.
13. Friends with no drama are the fucking best.
14. Take selfies of yourself. Take pictures of yourself with your kids, your friends, your lunch, your plants, your new knives whatever. When I was very fat and very unhappy, I didn't pose for pictures which means there are many years of my life unaccounted for. That's lame.
15. If you lose a lot of weight at any given time, that means you are still good at gaining weight. And you feel like if you even gain a little of it back, the world notices and side-eyes you and whispers, "uh oh, she's lost control again." If you have a relationship with food, it will always be the most difficult and dysfunctional relationship of your life. But you can have a say in it and you can make it better.
16. When your husband or child are watching something, you must first say their name, wait a beat, then wait for them to make eye contact before you continue on speaking. Otherwise you will have to say it twice.
17. I still like tootsie rolls. Against all odds.
18. If you stay out of the direct sun for your 20s, you will now occasionally get ID'd and it feels fucking great.
19. Before you spend money on a hobby, make sure you have a good bed, a good couch, an original piece of art that you love and good moisturizer.
20. Everybody likes when you share.
21. Being cheap is like having B.O. It's awkward so nobody will tell you and it fucking sucks being around you. Try to avoid both.
22. Call your Mom. She is 100% ok with hearing all the insignificant details of your day because she would love to share hers too.
23. Say "hello" when you enter an elevator or a break room etc. You immediately negate your bitch face.
24. You can ask anyone anything, it's always okay. Just ask the right way.
25. If you are firm with your kid and don't waiver, they will never ask to sleep in your bed.
26. Every now and then agree to do something you fucking hate. There is a small chance you will love it.
27. Sleep cures everything. If not, regular exercise does. I promise you.
28. Food will never make you feel better, truly.
29. Swallowing emotions and words and desires will rot you from the inside. Just say it/do it/try it.
30. Grey cars are stupid. Buy a car in the colour you love.
31. You can have friends who don't agree with you about everything. They aren't wrong. And you aren't right.
32. If you buy it, wear it immediately. As an adult there are much fewer "special occasions" than we were lead to believe.
33. If your friends have nicknames for you, that is pure bliss. That is being loved.
34. A wedding needs an open bar. There's just no point if you don't.
35. It's ok to choose a wine based on the label, name and font.
36. When you walk down the street, think "everybody wants to fuck me." You will immediately straighten your spine, loosen your hips and feel better.
37. It's ok to go to a movie by yourself. Even better if you're not sober.
38. If it's under $10, it's not stealing.
39. Try and go somewhere new once a year, even if it's not far. (Camping still counts but fuck camping.) Everything at home looks and feels better when you return.
I forgot a few:
40. Have one retail job in your life. You'll learn in a hurry how to treat people and how to not treat people. You'll also REALLY appreciate having Christmas off years later.
41. Keep a marriage sexy longer by not pooping in front of each other.
Did I miss anything major? As soon as I start to fall asleep tonight I'm going to think of 65 more, I know it.