things we can all agree are terrible vol. 2

Have you ever had creative blue balls?

Like you have so much STUFF thudding around in your head that you need to blarf (blurt + barf) onto your desired medium, but you keep missing your moments where you can actually DO IT and FREE IT from your brain cage, and then you feel all stopped up and frustrated and start writing embarrassing updates on your Facebook Page about your vagina that reach more than 20,000 people (which is simultaneously fascinating and mortifying) and then you pull over in your imaginary car and yell at the steering wheel (made out of a giant cinnamon-sugar flecked pretzel), and put everything you're supposed to be doing onto a raft and shove it into the ocean like a viking funeral pyre so you can just sit down and WRITE.

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my #streamteam april

I endured April. I didn't enjoy it much. I think there were a few Saturdays where I got red-faced tipsy and hugged my friends and husband but otherwise, my plate was FULL of nonsense that kept me apart from my beloved Netflix.

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my #streamteam february

When I was 10 years old I only needed a few things to make me ridiculously happy: very high crunchy bangs, Babysitter's Club books, strawberry fruit roll ups, my brother to not look at me, a large clear bag of gummy 7-11 5 cent candy, Guess jeans pegged at the ankle and the latest issues of Bop, Big Bopper and Teen Beat.

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my #streamteam january

It's a NEW YEAR. Someone really needs to add a holiday to January though. Or hire it a new PR Rep. Currently January means REFRAIN. That's a terrible slogan.

Since it's the adult thing to do, I must roll with everyone around me. The herd is sprinting and I gotta keep up. If I'm at the back, stumbling around, covered in Doritos crumbs and yesterday's socks, I will be picked off by life and mounted as a cautionary tale: The Woman Who Thought December Was Eternal And Now Cannot Even Fit Into Her Maternity Underwear.

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